| BATHTIME ELMO
I n 1986, at the ripe age of five, I fantasized of being Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie Commando; playing with guns, causing havoc, and killing an unrealistic amount of bad guys with one well placed grenade. My parents definitely had me focused on educational media at that kindergarten age. I am sure they would have had me watching Disco-dancing rocket launching Elmo, if available. But at age five, Arnold was the fantasy.
Seven years later, I am standing on the mound of a rugged baseball diamond, the starting pitcher for the Colleyville All Star team. The male baseball fantasy runs through my head; bottom of the ninth, only one out to get, before I pitch my team to the win, the championship, and one bad ass plastic gold painted trophy.
The lights shine bright on the field, a little brighter on the mound where I reside. I hurl the ball pass the batter, almost burning a hole in the catcher's mitt. Strike three, ballgame over, I am carried off the field a legend, and the fantasy is over the reality the opposing hitter just hit a ball that has not landed yet, its 2 O'clock in the afternoon, 110 degree Texas heat, I'm sweaty, and its time for some damn orange slices. Sadly, I never play organized baseball again.
The list of fantasy unfulfilled of the testosterone population is a long and differentiated one, involving many facets of the human imagination that the Internet is making millions on each year. But, few have actually lived a TRUE male fantasy. This is my story.
Now, I consider myself a bright, focused, mature, 23 year old man. That is all thrown out the window, and the mind is instantly scrambled when a female nurse enters your room, and explains she is there to give you a bath. Are you kidding? I know my mother said that her church had been praying for me, but rarely are such prayers answered. She carries a stack of towels, soap, and some containers to hold the water.
She smiles and asks if I am ready.
Never in my life have I avoided eye contact with a human being more than I was at that moment. To say that I was nervous would be an understatement. What do you think about when you're getting cleaned by a stranger? If it had been someone I knew, who I had been to lunch with before, that would be different. But, all I know of this person is her name, and that she is concerned about my blood pressure. She begins to wet the towels and my heart starts pounding, as she rings out the excess water it is beating harder. I'm lucky they have disconnected all of my monitors or else there would be an immense light show on the screen and the beeping would never stop. I remove my gown and she begins.
How uncomfortable is this? I have that feeling like all the lights are on, I am in front of my first girlfriend, and we are both completely naked, just walking around, awkwardly looking for a tree branch to cover up with.
As she washes my chest and back, I begin to wonder if she is going to wash everything? The thought goes through my mind, and as unbelievably weird a situation it would be, at least I'll be able to tell my friends I got some action in the hospital. She washes my legs, feet, stomach, arms, etc completely avoiding the inevitable area like the plague. What is the problem here? Have I not known you long enough? Are we not at that level yet? Is it too early? Well, if it changes anything I Love You.
She hands me a warm towel, Mr. Quinn, I'll let you get that area, and I don't want to make it uncomfortable.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? It's already uncomfortable! Finish the job! I am utterly empty inside. I feel like I have just read a book without being able to read the last ten pages, ate a cracker without a drink of water, saw Star Wars without Chewbacca!!!!!
Understandingly, she does this for a reason, even though it is more awkward than ever before, because now I'm in the predicament of washing myself in front of this lady. How do I approach this? Do I just go to town on myself, like I just got done with a really long run on a hot day? Or like I'm handling fine China? I decide to scrub angrily and stare at the nurse with a look that screams, you see what your missing out on?
When I'm done, she says its time to brush my teeth. I believe her order of cleansing is all out of whack. Never been a fan of the crotch to mouth maneuver.
I wash my own face and neck, she changes all of the linens on my bed, and we are done.
If you need anything else, just hit the call button. Ha, is that supposed to be funny? I don't think she realizes that I rarely call back teases for a second date.
For all of the jokes made about getting a sponge bath in the hospital, the nurse actually made it as comfortable as it could have been, and, I really hate to admit it, but like a typical male, I don't remember her name.
For the first time in five days I was clean, and had that feeling like I was about to get a wonderful night of sleep. I lay my head back, shut my eyes, and drifted off. All along, listening to the sounds of the heart monitor beeping back to normal. |
